Insecurity

Last night I read a lot of blog posts about being in your 20s, how to live it up wisely, other people's experiences, etc. My perspective on time is changing. I want to do it all, but I know I can't do it all in one year, I have to continually doing things my whole life if I want to get the most experience. I am just afraid that I will get tired out and not finish everything I want to do and then regret it. I want to go skydiving, I want to be good at guitar and piano, I want to be an amazing dancer of every kind, I want to be fit and have flat hard abs, I want to get my motorcycle license, I want to cook good food and eat ice cream and have a cute apartment where I can host dinner parties, I want to live on the east coast and the west coast, I want to go to Antarctica before it melts. I want to savor the time I have here with my parents because I know I won't have them around forever, and I will probably not call them every day when I am out on my own so at least they feel like they have a connection with me now. My mom keeps nagging me about asking my boss when I can get signed on as full time instead of an intern and make more money. I know she barely asks me once a day and not in a naggy way, but it stays with me and plagues me constantly so even though it might appear like I don't understand my dire financial situation because I am not acting on it, I really do, and it feels like nagging. I know it's something I need to say because who doesn't want more money, and they are not going to offer me something if I don't act interested or professional or ready to take on the responsibility. I never understood why people want power. It's like they think when they are on top everyone is going to listen and follow their rules, but that's not how it works. People do what they want, and it's so stressful trying to keep them in line. I don't want responsibility, I don't really care to keep people on track. Lately I have been thinking of getting a second job at night as a barista or something. I do need more money and I think it would be good to have the experience dealing with customers, but then I would have no time to myself. I feel like I need to struggle in order to become a stronger person. Sometimes I think my struggle in life has been not having to struggle that much so I am emotionally weak and I have never fought for what I want. But sometimes I think that I just belittle my struggles after they happen and start crying for no reason and think "I'm such a crybaby...I'm so weak". Get over it. You are not the center of the universe. Nobody cares. They are too busy thinking about themselves.

I went for a drive with my dad to practice driving the jeep, and we drove past my mom and dad's old houses growing up. It's something I tried to do before but I wasn't sure if I was looking at the right houses or not. He knows the area so well and the names of all the families who used to live in each house and how many kids they had and what it used to be like. I stalled out like 3 times trying to take off after the light switched from red to green, but I think I am getting better still. Definitely a lot to learn.