Where I come from, rain is a good thing

Today's theme is downpour, as in rain. I love when it's rainy on days when I am sad because it makes me feel better, like the world is crying with me and I'm not alone. Today it's not exactly rainy, but I am pretty sure it will be soon. I felt some raindrops on my way back from class, and it is really cloudy and humid outside. I want it to thunderstorm, and I want to go outside and spin in circles looking up at the sky getting drenched and not caring that I am soaking wet.

Today I had a horrible day, yet I feel inexplicably happy (maybe it was the 19-cent cookies), but I kind of feel like crying just to let out my built-up frustrations and start over.

Last night I tried to stay up reading my stats book for my exam today, but I only made it till 2, then I slept for about 4 hours, then I read more from about 6-9, and I knew it was a hopeless cause. I am hoping for 25/100 and that's pretty sad. I know it's entirely my fault, that I haven't put any effort into doing the homework and learning the material, but I know that I do better with certain types of teachers and this is not a good one. So I get mad at myself, because that's the only person to blame. I just have to keep asking, why do I do this to myself?

I was just going through my twitter and reading my old tweets (and deleting most of them). My first tweet ever (I am pretty sure, since I don't remember deleting any before this), you would think it would be something grand or at least something introductory, but no. From September 26, 2008: "needs to get some homework done..."

I think I had been following some people before that, but I never posted anything. But then I tweeted usually every day, sometimes more than once, the stupidest things. I was so emo, and no one was following me, I never told any of my friends about my twitter because I doubted they would know what it was and I wanted to have a place to vent my emo 140-character thoughts. "sick and tired" "didn't sleep enough last night becasue I had to get up for rowing" "wasted all day on youtube" "I hate chem and math and I'm going to fail". Seriously, how dumb am I? At least I was smart enough not to be one of the people who puts all those things as their facebook status every hour. I don't need that much attention, just the knowledge that I have let my feelings out and anyone could see them if they were looking.

It makes me see how much I've grown, and also how much I've stayed the same. I think I complain less, because I know I choose to put myself through all my stress from engineering classes and tiredness from rowing, but I see how much time I waste and complain about wasting my time doing pointless things, but I don't change my habits. In school, I keep doing the same things I have always done, because I have always gotten by that way. I procrastinate until the last minute, and then I scrape together whatever I can think of.

In 7th grade I was supposed to do a project where I had to plan a trip to a country in Europe. All the easy countries were taken, so I chose Poland, since I am Polish. There were no obvious tourist destinations there that I knew of, and I tried to never asked my parents for help with my homework since I felt like that was cheating (and that meant I would have to actually work on it), and I had just very recently got the internet at home, so needless to say I sucked at online research, and being in middle school, I had never planned a trip before. So I got a D. It was shocking, but I got over it. I don't think I've ever finished a paper before the night before it's due. I am not self-motivated, but I know I'm not stupid.

I guess this post turned out to be more a downpour of thoughts I wasn't expecting to write, rather than rain. But they are both good things.